We had JUST finished our first DIY home renovation project. We tore down walls and laid new floor throughout, creating a more functional and open space down here on the main floor. It had been a whirlwind of an entire summer/early fall doing nothing other than eating dust and trying to keep 2 toddlers out of tools and away from the jigsaw. (I have a picture of Sophia trying to carry it around!)
A bathroom? A bedroom? Easy! Shut the door and go on with life until time allows for more chipping away. But your one and only main living space? While living in it!? It's just awful, especially with little guys. To say I was ready for more normalcy to return to our day was a huge understatement. I longed for a space to just be.
I painted the front door that very night after I put a not quite 3 year old (he'd turn 3 in 5 more days) and 16 month old to bed. I was 8 days overdue. I have never gone late any other time. My record holds strong at either spot on or a couple days early. I know the extra week and a day was just for me. I had that time to finally nest in a home I had not really done much of since first moving in. And let me tell ya! A LOT can happen during that stage of pregnancy. I amazed myself as well as probably scared Gabe more than he was comfortable with. You did what? How? How is that even possible? I'm not really sure, but I just did it. And I feel GREAT! Don't you just LOVE it!? Yah....
A fast labor and only 1/2 hour spent at the hospital head long in it . It was perfect. It was so quiet outside. It was so dark out, those early morning hours. It was peaceful. It was only lightly lit in the room. I remember calling my mom around 4:30. "He's here. Liam Oliver." He was so special looking. Unlike the rest. He had his own unique look. And he was quiet. So calm. He's been my easiest (to the point of just not normal) infant/baby. He never cried. Never is a really strong word but he really never cried. He may have whimpered? Even for his diaper change those first few days when all newborns cry scream!, he didn't, not once. And he loved to sleep in bed with me and nurse on and off all night long. And I let him. For months and months and months and months. And he quietly slipped by with life, loved and doted on.
And then one day...(as it really appeared to us!) he turned rowdy, passionate, and had a temper like fire that spread uncontrollably. He yelled, had a voice so deep and angry, with opinions all his own. We knew our docile toddler would start to show some true colors at some point. They have to. They always do. But this? This was just awful. Where was that quiet lump of a baby who just sat there. In the highchair. With no food. Just sat there. And didn't make a peep. Not one. I'd forget about him in there for all of clean-up.
Through Liam I have learned a lot about myself. It has been because of all the kids, but Liam in particular, that I embarked upon a much needed sanctification process that God gets all the glory for. More times than not I found myself in a really hard place. How could I discipline him for his own horribly wretched responses out of anger and frustration when I had lost it just as soon as he had. Or how could I tell him that was wrong and we don't do that when earlier that morning I failed, again, and responded to my own feelings of frustration and feeling overwhelmed in anger, to him. Or to someone else and he watched the whole thing. How could I teach him what was wrong and how to do what was right when I was up to my ears in my own sin? We both were an ugly sight. And I feared the worst. A man. Grown. Out of control. Little kids and a wife. And that temper that was never carefully and rightly dealt with. I was the mom. I was supposed to nip this in the bud? How? I needed the nipping. It started with me.
It's been quite the process God has taken me on. Two years is a long time to feel weighed down. Helpless. Starting to grow hopeless for the end result I so badly just wanted. That low point is always when He comes in to rescue. It takes a broken person. I was broken. Jesus gave me Liam at such a time I needed Him to. I spent night after night and prayers after prayers, many in hot discouraged tears, for my own sin to just go away. How much I was failing them. All of them, and especially Liam. He was picking up on all the 'right' cues. They came from me. I felt stuck. I was the major part to the puzzle as to why frustration, short words, and a harsh tone filled this space. Filled every one's tone. I felt out of control. And I hated it.
Do you have any idea how faithful God is? I mean, how He goes to the ends of the earth looking for you, calling you higher. And without condemnation, in Him. It was as if the gospel started to take on a whole new meaning for me when I was asking Him for revelation in this particular area.
And.I've.been.met!
Now I walk in something completely different as a mom. Something completely different as a child of God, as a daughter of the Most High King. I walk in the realization that I have power over sin. And it's by His Spirit. Only. I had the repentance thing down. I know He forgives. I knew He forgave. Every time. But I also knew in my heart I didn't need to keep battling this like I was. The part of the gospel that easily escapes us, it had me, is Jesus. Not Jesus: died for my sin, rose again, my sin is paid. But Jesus: power over sin because of what he did on the cross. Now go and walk in it! Freedom.
I don't have to sin. HE provides a scapegoat for every temptation. He is that scapegoat! Temptation isn't sin. How I respond has the potential to be sin. I wasn't even looking for the outlet. But He was there. I know, because now, I see Him there. And He's right there. And He's really gentle. Holding my words. And He's in my tone. It's not harsh anymore. Should it be. Yes. I repent. But it's short lived. I know the way now! And I'm seeing more victories in my life in this area than I ever saw before. Before there were no victories. The aftermath. Yes. The repentance and forgiveness. Yes. But the freedom, no. I didn't know how to walk in it. I was crying out to Him for the way. How?
One morning in the midst of my pursuit for Him to be the one to really clean me up, I proceeded to flip through the stack of verses on tiny little cards that I do with the kids for devotions. It was just like any other Monday. Time to start the week off with a new scripture to hide away in our hearts. I was looking for a short one we could all memorize and talk about for the week. Do you know what the first one was I saw? Our conversation didn't last a week. I chewed on it night and day and did for months and months thereafter. I had Asher write it down and I framed it where I'd see it. And I have been changed in miraculous ways. And it's this, rather simply, though life altering: And it's been my answer!
Galatians 5:16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
There it was. My answer. My hope. My God. His word spoken to me. We haven't been much of the same around here since then. I haven't been much of the same around here. Because when I sought Him, He drew near.
Liam's prayer every single morning is this right along with me, right along with the other kids: fill me with your Holy Spirit. Yes, we receive Him when we first ask Him into our lives. It's only by the Holy Spirit moving that one can even come to the place of realizing their need for Him, but I need more of Jesus today, every day. Every hour. Not just when I asked him into my heart when I was 4. I don't stop needing Him and He doesn't want me to stop asking Him.
I shared it with the kids like this. When you drink milk and finish it, there's always a little left in the bottom of the cup. Always. It never leaves. Even if it's a faint lining, that film is always still there. But you get thirsty and need more, so you ask and I give it to you. Gladly! God is the same way. He always wants to fill us back up to the brim with Himself. He wants our cups to be running over actually. Bubbling forth! Sometimes we get low, dangerously low. We need to constantly be asking for Him to fill us a fresh. It's not just a one time deal. It's not even a once a day deal. It's a moment by moment by moment need. So that, when we're tempted to respond with a fleshly response there's just no possible way it can happen. They got it! I got it!
And we're all learning how to walk in the Spirit and what that looks like but I'll tell you this. It's a lot simpler than you think. My little measly attempts have always always always thus far been met with that greater help.
Liam has had mountains moved in his life at 3! Mountains I know that are no longer lining his landscape filled future for when he's a daddy like he wants to be someday. He will know how to not fulfill that fleshly response. He has learned it at 3. And he's learning it still. My prayer for Liam is that he is groomed well in the Spirit.
I can now help my son in this area of his own life with the remedy! Not a sympathetic or even empathetic response. But the real deal answer to a specific problem, and an answer that delivers and brings change. Brings life more abundantly. I can watch and rejoice with him when the Spirit moves inside of him. That's where I want to resonate with him . How incredible it really is! And all the glory to God because He is faithful and does more than we could ever ask or think.
If you know Liam at all, you know he loves life. He loves people. He often draws Gabe and I out of our own comfort zones when he so naturally strikes up a deep conversation with a total stranger, anywhere. And then makes them laugh. He's intentional. He's outgoing. Loves food and eating. The one thing he's predictable in is his unpredictability! I don't have a box for Liam, and I love that about him. He's fun! And he's just really really funny. I'm always in need of a good laugh throughout my day.
Liam: Mom, do you know
why I roll my tongue like this. [Proceeds to roll tongue to one side once in mouth really fast.]
Me: No. Why?
Liam: Because, I get more water Mom.
Happy birthday to this boy who adds so much to this world!
Year 3 has been a break through for me and you. I'm excited to see what's in store for year #4!
Only the best! And we get to walk it together.
There's so much hope and future in Him. And I'm so so thankful.
