don't lose heart...

Long days. Really really long days. You know the kind. Sometimes flying solo. The night hours not seeming long enough, rested up enough, or whatever those sleeping hours are supposed to look like again once you're a mom. Prayers for the right heart. The grace. The strength to do it all over again. Feet hit the floor and we're off again. Into the unknown for the day. But never alone.

Fill in the baby book. Weight gained. Milestones met. Snap pictures. Blog about it! We love this boy. He's blond and sensitive to noises and people. Looks just like his daddy. He's big like the others will prove to be as well. 16 pounds at 2 months. My little own special companion. My daily walking buddy with the dog. Just the three of us. Such joy. A first with everything.

Words and prayers spoken over. 17 months. Destiny. Purpose. Specific. 

What seemed plowing through at times. Gearing up for another day seeking any kind of break through. It came and went! Onto the next hurdle. Wisdom and grace for those times. Insight. He's known and created by One. HE has the answers. Pray. Trust. Wait. Watch and be renewed in vision and calling.

Paints and Play-Doh. Toddler beds and potty training. Dad's hair gel found, in his own and slathered on the body. Pictures taken.

PB&J again, and again, and again. Loving these days but will they amount to something more? When?

Siblings to add. Big brother. Family portraits or lack thereof. Day trips. Life. Laughter. Swimming. Not afraid of the wind anymore. Still needing a close view or knowledge of Mom and Dad at all times out of the house. Buckling in and out. Attitude checks. Late again because it was just that important.

School. Books. Reading. Heart issues to address. Show him his need, Oh God! Show me mine.

Fruit along the way. Deep convictions. The kind only HE evokes and a heart of repentance. Seeking. Conversations I know to be Holy Spirit awakenings, others released of the burden and question. My part done. Some not so gracefully. He forgives graciously again and again. I will never know just how HE moved, stirred. But know HE does.

5. Fresh words prayed and spoken over by new vessels. Confirmation of the first. Oh God help us. Help us help him reach that call.

Nightly wrestling matches. T-Rex. Hurt again. Devotions. Many spent just in training. Bedtime prayers. Rituals. One last drink. Potty 'one last time'. Out of bed, again.

Meet our kids now, God. This is tough. Seems dry. Going through the motions, for them. Sometimes me. Keep pressing on. Pray for faith. He moves in Faith.

Snippets of encouragement for the moment, the day. Ones I hold very near and dear to my heart. They strengthen my walk too. Eyes wide taking it all in. My leading of interrupted devotions, with a fussy nursing baby and uncooperative toddler, prove less than anything to be desired. But His Word is alive. Breathes life to those who hear and listen. He's chewing on it for hours after, I can tell.

Piano lessons. Pressure. New things are hard things. Practice. Patience.

Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and we know all that. But now he's 6! and wants to be baptized. The pastor up front has called any others not on the original roster but desiring the chance. He raises his hand. He wants to go, now! We're holding him back. We've talked a little, but not really. Is he ready? Let's make sure.

Opportunity again. Was that just a moment, way back when, caught in the excitement? It's announced. I don't look at him. Does he even remember? I don't ask. I don't coax. Was he even listening? He was. Hanging on.every.word.  

Mom! I want to get baptized!

Done.

Signed up. Counting down the days. Grandparents summoned. Willing to make the small trek. Talks and more conversations. When did he get so old? When did he understand all that? When did faith like a child need to be the only requirement? 

When was God so faithful when I had lost all hope?  

When He said He would be. Always. 

Two evenings ago I, along with many others, watched as Asher and several others professed their belief, need, and trust in God. This God. The one to be true.

I squatted while taking pictures and soaked up every word. Every expression of his little precious face. His excitement. The way I know the water took his breath away, and how he fought back the shaking. My mind was flooded; Somehow we got from there and all of that, to here. And I'm thankful. Thankful that His Word does not return void. Thankful that God is in pursuit of this one just like the rest. Just like me. Just like you. Thankful that this kind of thing can't be forced or fake or recreated. It comes from within, the Holy Spirit moving and preparing in days and times when all I saw was smooshed in Play-Doh, PB&J, and a bad attitude. A long day and a messy house. A dirty house. An empty fridge and that sky high pile of smelly laundry. My own heart and attitude failing. Day after day after day.

New mercies every single morning.

Hearing this, I watched him tread slowly, cautiously down the ramp: Don't lose heart. Don't grow weary in well doing. This is well doing! And it's OK to long for seasons of restored health, and a changed heart, but don't wish away seasons of trials and long days. They produce growth. More than you may know but in ways you also will see and actually taste of! For you. And especially for them. Because I am your God. And I am theirs. I am his. I might move in increments of time you think are too slow, but it's all in My timing and My perfect plan, of which you can trust and even rest in. Truly rest in. 

So I did. 

I rested in Him as I watched Asher confidently and excitedly proclaim his own personal love for this Jesus. 

And I realized again:

That's what those days amount to. This is what those seemingly unproductive days and little though special posts on nothing really, really do add up to.

This!  

A night as special and faith fueling as this.

It was enough for me to keep going. Strong. Weak on my own, but strong in Him. Give it my all. For His glory really. And to see a son grow and thrive in his call and purpose. 

Those days are productive. Our very lives are worth something. Worth sharing. And it's because of Him it is more than an afternoon turned less than ideal. More than a lunch as simple as an old hot dog bun with peanut butter I scraped out of the jar. Thank goodness I'm not living for a picture perfect day or house or kids. Those don't exist! He gives purpose to our messy messy days. Numbered and counted by Him. I am so thankful for that!

July 28, 2013
What a gift!

a dream...

Liam and Boaz go to bed first. Asher and Sophia get to stay up a little later. They are the older ones and with that title comes special privileges. Liam looks forward to the day he can join them, but until then, he desperately needs to go to bed at 7:30. Even that is pushing it with no naps on these busy, hard played summer filled days.

Most nights when I bring the others up half an hour later he is already fast asleep. Last night however proved differently. He had already been out of bed a couple of times. I was holding a too restless for sleep though not wanting to be put down Lemuel while the others chatted. It seemed to be turning into one of those dreaded bedtimes. One where no one wants to abide by the nighttime rules and order.

A sleepy Liam, stirred by the commotion, felt it prime time himself to mutter something, a dream, I just HAD to hear. Most dreams are silly and go on and on and on. We had all day to share dreams. It was bedtime and I just wanted kids to go to sleep. I could almost hear and feel the sharp tone and harsh words sputter off my lips. To my absolute surprise nothing came! Not exactly normal in a moment like that.

Listen to him.

He'll forget it by tomorrow and you'll want to hear this.

Thankful for the Holy Spirit in that moment, my entire attitude changed. We pray for all our kids, but Liam has really been on what seems the forefront lately. It's a work only the Holy Spirit is going to do, and one in which I'm actually really thankful to be released of the burden. There have been some more than trying days while we wait. My strength has been renewed in the process, but it's only natural to long for some fruit. Pray earnestly for that fruit to appear. 

Last night it did. Seemingly small, but a testimony God is at work and we can rest in Him nonetheless.

Liam's dream:

In a rather sleepy state:

I saw a bright white thing. It was different. It was black and red and orange. It was like a rainbow. He said He loves me. He loves me Mom! And I.love.Him. (in Liam's little way of pauses with massive stress on certain words)

He closed his eyes with the biggest smile on his face and drifted back off to sleep.

This God. He pursues. He reveals. He's real. No one can ever take that away from Liam. I am thankful the Lord is on the hot pursuit of my son, Liam.

Last night could have been very different. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit working in my own life. Praise be to Him and how He moves and orchestrates in the mundane times of even a simple bedtime ritual.

summer life...

The kids are in the pool non-stop. I'm constantly filling ice trays, seeing as the older two have helped themselves to this 'activity'. The garden desperately needs weeding. Freezy pops/Popsicles are a staple. The basement gets utilized and appreciated like never before. It's hot. Really, really hot.

IT'S SUMMER!

That is Liam, I figured that out due to the massive amount of fuzzy back hair I picked up on, though I get asked more often than not lately if Li and Bo are twins!

Tricks in the pool.

Beauty is what's on the inside, and that comes from Jesus. But a little of our own make-up sure is FUN! A birthday present that I have enjoyed teaching and talking about with my daughter.

Asher must have taken this one. Inside down time. It does happen.

First thing in the morning rituals. 

BEST friends.

Sophia: "Mom, I have mermaid hair!" Of which we are learning how to treat because, Oh my goodness, your hair looks green?! How could I forget something like that! 

(I used to have the same problem when little.)

A whole day (including dinner!) my mom, sister in law, and three nieces came. One of the funnest days this summer.

Birthday present from Grammy and Grampy found on ebay, including a bag full of clothes, most someone made. Lovely.

Growing boy, every day.

Shoe fetish for this one and myself excited for some new kicks! It had been since high school?

Lunch here just about every day.

Relaxing and trying to stay cool to his favorite movie: Curious George, Follow that Monkey

And Gabe! No pics of that guy, but home with us every second/chance that's not accounted for. It's all kingdom work we get to be a part of and God is gracious to help us keep His perspective when sought.

He is faithful to give it.

a party...

Sophia turned 5 on July 3rd. It was a Wednesday. When plans fell through for us all to make the trek to Schroon Lake that coming weekend for some combined hang out/Great Escape time/squeeze in a celebration for Sophia (3 weeks postpartum and I just wasn't feeling quite where I had hoped I would be, though which really didn't come as a surprise!) I did the only other logical thing and planned a little party here during Lemuel's most fussy time frame!

We invited some special little girls over to join in on the fun. I also lined up someone to be here to help me knowing I would most likely be tending to a little Lem's needs. Boaz is a job in and of himself outside. The release from overseeing him at all times was such a blessing. Lemuel actually didn't fuss at all and slept in his swing peacefully in between feedings.

Gabe's mom ended up being able to scoot away from her very busy B&B season for the afternoon to surprise the birthday girl! The look on Sophia's face and squeal of excitement when Grandma!? rolled in... priceless!

What's more fitting for a July birthday than a pool party with ice cream cake? At least that is what the birthday girl requested, as well as a steak dinner and famous around here: seasoned potato french fries and salad. Of course there was a far share of dress up and pretend and all that fun stuff down in the cool of the basement.

As scattered brained as I felt, it definitely goes down as one of the most special little gatherings we've had in our home. Not a lot of hoop-la planning and preparing. It was simple. It was fun. It was last minute. It was special. Little friends each readily and willingly took turns among the adults saying something they loved or were thankful for about their friend Sophia. I was touched as I know Sophia was.

Pics from the special afternoon/evening...

one month...

Just one month of being a family of 7. Already one month of life with this Lemuel to hug and squeeze and kiss and get to know. Sure he's number 5 and I'm a mom a 5th time over, but it never ceases to amaze and intrigue me the newness I feel with a new someone. Who are they? What do they like? What are his quirks? Who does he look like? Who will he be? What plan is he destined and called to be apart of? And things I just plain forget and google like a first time mom with a blank slate in mind naturally would. When will the belly button fall off? Is that stench normal?! What are the best swaddling blankets for the summer heat? When does the baby acne and cradle cap typically set in? For how long? Why again?!

I've been stretched in more ways than I ever thought possible. We had an ant problem thanks to my lack of ability to stay on top of proper cleaning. I'm honest when people ask how I'm doing. I'm hanging in there. I feel like one big juggling act. We are in transition. It's pretty crazy at times. 

But a whole month has slipped by. And where I am apt to think and even say out loud I feel overwhelmed, I remember some things.

~ Who cares about the ants! As quickly as we had an issue (inside) it was resolved. There seems to be an ant invasion outside this year. Whereas Asher loves to go to the mailbox? in the evening hours to see hundreds of them scurrying in and out carrying egg like cargo from a pile the size of a lemon, only to be a complete ghost town in the apparent 'ant off' hours, I on the other hand look simply to appease his excitement and bewilderment. It kinda freaks me out.

~ If I am quiet and still and willing to be led, He leads me. Ever so gently and graciously. He guides my words and my tone when I give Him my heart.

~ There is grace for five! I'm sleeping less and waking up earlier. He meets me in the quiet. He meets me in the insane. I was never able to wake up quite this early before and function. I'm not just functioning. I'm thriving. What a testimony to ME!

~ He is watching over me and my brood because He surely knows I need it now more than ever. Several times I have broken down into tears of gratitude over the what ifs that could have happened in that split second or two. He's got my back. He's protecting my children and I'm grateful. Beyond words grateful!

~ When I draw near to God, He draws near to me.

~ I have this awesome husband who prays for me and over me and against things, and I really need that.

Am I enjoying this season in its sometimes awkward and even insecure newness? Yes. Have I ever been more grateful Walmart is only 5 minutes away so that when I venture out to do a massive grocery shopping trip I can return a new baby Lem who only wants to be held to his daddy so I can actually get in and get out before it's midnight? Nope!

This baby has spent most of his life wearing just a diaper. Which is great seeing as the seasons don't exactly match up from all the other boys I've had. He doesn't have a baby book yet. He still has yet to strike up a beloved nickname of sorts. But he sleeps snuggled right up in bed next to me and he's loved just the same. This baby that I dreamed about and saw in my dreams to look very much as he does now is sweet and delicious and everything that a newborn is supposed to be.

one month
 

July 3rd, 5 years ago...

We were given this gift.

And we haven't been quite the same since.

And I'm so so thankful for the change that came in the form of our very own pink.

Sophia Abigail.